Oh Simon

We all believe in Amsterdam 
Paris and Spain and Vietnam
But no one believes you
when you said your heart was blue...

I read, I thought, I watched, and I talked about suicide lately;

- Suede's song, Simon, I read it yesterday that it was indeed based on true event. Brett's friend called Simon Holdbrook commited suicide because of melancholia in 1996.
- Cyenz just found out that Alexander McQueen is already died, yes, he hanged himself.
- Ghost Whisperer episode that I just watched talking about a woman try to commit suicide because her boyfriend had an affair with his lecturer.
- In Napola which I watched two days ago, Albrecht drown himself.
- Every time I saw Carl Barat I always remember about how suicidal he was.

I always have special relationship with suicide. Not that I'm suicidal, hmm... I don't know maybe I was thinking about it at some point when I was an angry teenager, but no, I always thought that it was a stupid thing. I even had a speech about how to deal with those feelings in my Indonesian final test. But I do interested in those kind of things, you know... sadness... sorrow... it feels so romantic.

I look for sorrow movies these days, nothing is come close to my expectation so far. It's romantic if you watch it on films or read it on books or listen it in songs. What makes sadness is so beautiful? I never understand. If we talked about real life, it might be romantic if it has something to do with love, but if it was about something else like money, or, career, or...  just more general life problems, it won't be that beautiful, it sucks. It's what happened to me now, I still sad about the fact that I couldn't do what I really love to do for my final project. I can't do Hedi Slimane, David Bowie, or British Rock Acts... it's so sad and devastating I couldn't even care about the plan B. I hate to think another plan. I always hate plans actually.

You know what so ironic? even for my final project, the biggest project in my 21 years of life, I can't do what I REALLY want to do. Think about it.

Even in highschool I had this freedom to collect questionnaire about how you hate the school and how the school should be and present that issue in front of the class. The title of our presentation is "School is Only For Formality". That's the spirit of teenagers, that rebellious spirit you had. And school didn't banned us. If you think about it, why we hate school so much, it's because school didn't give us freedom to do what we like. But I was so naive, I always thought it would all change in college, then it didn't change in first semester, it didn't change in second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh semester, ok... I can deal with it. Having this hope that I could finally embrace my juvenile passion again for the final project. But hell no, it was all falling apart.

I'm still this whiny kid, but I don't have the bravery to throw everything against the wall, be angry and screaming to the world.

Do I have the right to do nothing and running away from problems because I'm sad?. Because I think it's the only freedom I have now.