Oh Simon

We all believe in Amsterdam 
Paris and Spain and Vietnam
But no one believes you
when you said your heart was blue...

I read, I thought, I watched, and I talked about suicide lately;

- Suede's song, Simon, I read it yesterday that it was indeed based on true event. Brett's friend called Simon Holdbrook commited suicide because of melancholia in 1996.
- Cyenz just found out that Alexander McQueen is already died, yes, he hanged himself.
- Ghost Whisperer episode that I just watched talking about a woman try to commit suicide because her boyfriend had an affair with his lecturer.
- In Napola which I watched two days ago, Albrecht drown himself.
- Every time I saw Carl Barat I always remember about how suicidal he was.

I always have special relationship with suicide. Not that I'm suicidal, hmm... I don't know maybe I was thinking about it at some point when I was an angry teenager, but no, I always thought that it was a stupid thing. I even had a speech about how to deal with those feelings in my Indonesian final test. But I do interested in those kind of things, you know... sadness... sorrow... it feels so romantic.

I look for sorrow movies these days, nothing is come close to my expectation so far. It's romantic if you watch it on films or read it on books or listen it in songs. What makes sadness is so beautiful? I never understand. If we talked about real life, it might be romantic if it has something to do with love, but if it was about something else like money, or, career, or...  just more general life problems, it won't be that beautiful, it sucks. It's what happened to me now, I still sad about the fact that I couldn't do what I really love to do for my final project. I can't do Hedi Slimane, David Bowie, or British Rock Acts... it's so sad and devastating I couldn't even care about the plan B. I hate to think another plan. I always hate plans actually.

You know what so ironic? even for my final project, the biggest project in my 21 years of life, I can't do what I REALLY want to do. Think about it.

Even in highschool I had this freedom to collect questionnaire about how you hate the school and how the school should be and present that issue in front of the class. The title of our presentation is "School is Only For Formality". That's the spirit of teenagers, that rebellious spirit you had. And school didn't banned us. If you think about it, why we hate school so much, it's because school didn't give us freedom to do what we like. But I was so naive, I always thought it would all change in college, then it didn't change in first semester, it didn't change in second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh semester, ok... I can deal with it. Having this hope that I could finally embrace my juvenile passion again for the final project. But hell no, it was all falling apart.

I'm still this whiny kid, but I don't have the bravery to throw everything against the wall, be angry and screaming to the world.

Do I have the right to do nothing and running away from problems because I'm sad?. Because I think it's the only freedom I have now.

Ich finde das ist interessant

Halo, Wie geht's?

Yesterday I took my German report card, the result is "sehr gut". Hahaha and despite my awful grammar, hilarious writings, wrote "a kitchen" as "ein küche" instead of "eine küche", forget to write noun in capital letter, don't really understand what the difference between auf, in, im, and am, I got 86 in my final exam. I don't know how… hahaha, I guess the speaking part saved me?. Don't get me wrong, I do understand the lesson… I was just being spaced out two weeks ago. German grammar is hard, though. The Konjugation, and the Artikel… I was so bad at remembering. I'm not talking German except in Saturday, see my English grammar isn't good either, they're still foreign languages after all. Make the learning fun.

That's exactly the reason why I had this class, just wanna have fun. I began attending this class since September, at first there was this conversation with my friend about doing something new, which is learning new foreign language. This idea stuck in my head, from early this year I guess. I want to learn Italienisch at first, but then I found out there's no Italian class in UI, next best thing is French or German. It's like feminine vs masculine you know… haha, then I picked German, because of its masculinity… meinführerbauhausworldwartwoetc (my fave stuffs). I registered the term before this but I failed because of lack informations, I was late for registering, then in September I finally registered. I just want to have something to do in weekend, meeting new people, have new knowledge, and just try something new. Then I met these people in class, talking about scholarship and just basically want to continue their study there… I was like, ok, I really WANT A SCHOLARSHIP. I've been thinking about scholarship before I joined the class, but since these people talking about scholarship a lot, I began to think it seriously. Life oh life.

Maybe I'm too dramatic, but this class is such a refreshment for me. I'm so stuck with internship and stress around it and when Saturday came, meet these different (totally different) people from different group of society is such a refreshment. It's interesting. I think this kind of activity is important, look at other people ways of talking, responding, and joking. It's different from people I met in campus or office, in a definitely good way. They're all nice people, it's been awhile I don't meet nice people, really.

So yesterday when I was walking over the Teksas Bridge (insert some melancholic song right here) I thought that I probably won't see these people from my class anymore, it's bit sad. After all these time… though it's only 4 months, lol, sharing knowledge, sharing a bit of life, sharing same amount of confusion about choosing lunch, we won't see each other again. Bam, just like that. It's always like this.. people just come and go. I've talk about this topic a lot in my diary, and this is definitely not the first one but it keeps happening. Why oh why… well, all of them are experiences. We have them and they're will be there forever, well, not in physical form, but in memories. It lasted forever, you see.

And who knows, maybe someday we'll meet again somewhere at a cafe in Germany… asking "Entschuldigung, ist hier noch frei?" "Was trinkst Du?" etc… Uh, what's wrong with me, really… is my period near or something.

Living Dream, Sunday Girl

Guten Abend… Long tiiiime no see. 

Well, actually many things happened in my life, but it's whether too personal and dramatic, or too bitter to share. So… I'll share some random stuffs like usual. Lol

This morning in bathroom… I've done my daily musings. I listened to my cellphone in bathroom, quite noble thing to do. And Blondie's Sunday Girl was played. I was like suddenly "damn, this song is so last year". It was the time of Cole Mohr, Josh Beech, and… Jeremy Young, etc. It was also the time of my DKV failure, but I managed to make Hologram flash video clip (remember that?), oh and Cole Christmas e-card.. lol, and Ethan James in Justin Wu xmas video! holy cow, that was the time of my early tumblr… If I thought about it again then it's like… wow. That time is an artistic awakening for me.. I've done tons of artwork, building up my today's style.. then it's developing when I went crazy about Hedi Slimane earlier this year. Damn… it was definitely a great great time.

Then I thought about, how about two years ago? What song that "so 2 years ago"?. And my cellphone played Pony's Shoot. I was like "This is it, this song is so 2 years ago". I won't tell you that cliche "How time travels so fast" anymore, but it's still amazing thing. Hahaha… let's see.. two years ago is Kpop year… I know I explore my music taste because of Kpop, it made me realize that I could listen things other than JRock. Kpop is definitely amazing, no matter how many people mocking it, we can't doubt that Kpop is such a phenomenon. And it's a bit phenomenon too when three of my friends, Cia, Ferin and Ebi went to Korea for Summer School. I asked Cia to buy me a Pony's CD (hell yeah) and she got it for me! she said it was the last piece. Hey it's so lucky, I got the last piece!. Here's the CD

Not particularly amazing package hahaha, but I buy it because their music, that's all. I never buy original things from overseas if they're not high quality stuffs. Well, I only had 2 original stuffs actually… haha, it's really because I DO LOVE these artists. So, Pony members, get done a new album, please, I will definitely buy it!. Actually, I had a funny and awkward twitter chat with the drummer couple times ago. I asked for their new album, he said it will be out in October and now is a fucking December… I don't know anymore… like blah. I don't know where to monitored them anyway, I can't accessed cyworld. Naaah… If we meant to each other then I would see their new stuffs… somehow.

Talking about new… I got new gadgets these last 6 months (?). I got Samsung Gio and Macbook Pro. Hahaha it's funny when Steve Jobs died, I was so sarcastic towards those Apple Worshippers, I don't understand their overly-dramatic reactions or those are just euphoria? I don't know… I said "maybe because I don't have Apple gadget then I don't feel sad" and I just imagined Steve Jobs as Hedi Slimane, I would jump off the bridge if knowing that Hedi died. See people, I tried to understand anyway…. Then, voila! couple weeks after that, I got my macbook because of internship duty. You know… I never imagined to have my macbook before I got my own money, but my father and my siblings are great so… I got my first Apple!. w o w. Not that special, actually. Not as special as if I got a Dior Homme SS2007 blazer falling from heaven.